Be prepared, I'm about to unleash a little bit of my crazy on you.
I've been thinking more about yesterday's declaration that I am no longer a runner. Maybe I was a bit rash to write off running. Here's the thing. Running and weight loss are tied up, rather inexplicably, in my mind. Both are very hard for me. Both can be very frustrating. Both make me feel like a failure. Both are things I will have to continue working at forever in order to keep up with them. I don't really expect either to ever get easy.
Giving up on running feels like giving up on weight loss. And perhaps when I wrote the blog yesterday, that was essentially what I was saying (how very astute of Cindy to pick up on this in the comments section!). I'm frustrated with my attempts at weight loss. To be clear, it is not my body's fault. I blame my mind. I just can't seem to make it more than a day or two (at most) at being back on track.
It sounds stupid to say out loud, but I get sad at the thought of trying to get back on track. It's so much work, I can't eat my favorite foods, etc. In case you were wondering, the Candy Diet, I said I was trying back in January was a bust. It just gave me an excuse to buy candy at the store, which I then gobbled up in whatever fashion I deemed most appropriate. (ie I was not eating just one chocolate-y delight a day) I seem to be an all or nothing kind of girl. Also, it was horrible for my complexion.
It seems harder now, because we're moving into summer. It's been almost a full year since I was really doing great with healthy eating. I've gained roughly fifty pounds since last May. I'm only down 40 pounds from where I started this journey in August of 2009. Most of the clothes I wore last summer don't fit any more. This is all a problem. The diagram on the right shows that it is more than just a wardrobe issue. When clothes don't fit, it affects my mood, which affects my eating, which affects my clothes not fitting. It's a vicious cycle.
So the clothes don't fit, but also, I keep seeing pictures from last summer when I was happy with my size. That makes me not happy with my current size, but not the sort of righteous unhappiness that encourages changes. Nope, just sad.
And I hate writing blogs like this (although I do feel they are necessary both for me to be honest with you and for me to be honest with myself). I will likely end up with a handful of comments from you guys encouraging me (which I appreciate, more than you know) But in the end, you guys can try to help me so much your face turns blue in a supportive effort, but I'm the one who has to make the daily, hourly decisions. It's all up to me.
Random thought: I wish I could hire a personal chef.
Random follow-up thought: how selfish am I that I complain about food/cooking when I have so much easy access to food? I'm blessed to have such a problem as this.
PS March 21 is World Down Syndrome Day. In honor, I give you this adorable badge of my niece Natalie, now 14 months.
Your honesty could be your greatest weapon to get back on track. To be honest with you I feel many of the same frustrations. Mine have more to do with my life than my weight. For me my body is the only thing I feel like I have control of anymore. I guess that is why I have made such high goals. These goals feel like the only thing I can accomplish lately.
ReplyDeleteYou are not alone with your self doubt but you are right the only one who can change it is you.
Even though you are feeling bummed out now and discouraged I want you to remember that you have been a huge inspiration to me. When you make that difficult decision to get "back on track" I have no doubt you can accomplish everything you set out to do. You are a very strong person, Jill, but even strong people have sad days and hard times. Don't beat yourself up because you are discouraged. You need to be sad, and mad, and hurt...and then decide it's time to pick up and move on. I have faith in you. Soon you'll find your faith in yourself again. :)
ReplyDelete