Unfair?

I've spent much of the last three days feeling sorry for myself over last week's weigh in.  Here's how the thoughts typically run:

It's just not fair. >>>>>>> I worked out extra. I ate within my calorie range. I can't work out more. I can't eat less. What am I supposed to do? >>>>>>>What is the point of trying so hard if it's not going to get me anywhere? >>>>>>> Why should I have to live without the food I love, if I'm still not going to make it to 100 pounds? >>>>>>> Why did I give up Diet Pepsi? >>>>>>> I'm just so tired of it all. >>>>>>>  Why does my body hate me? It's just not fair.

Maybe what is not fair is saying that my body hates me.*  If it does hate me, though, I don't blame it.  I did treat it like crap for the better part of 29 years before I started this healthy living kick.  So maybe I shouldn't be upset when it takes an extra week to make it to the most monumental weight loss of my lifetime.  But it still hurts.

Now I'm leaving for vacation this Friday, where I will not be able to count calories or work out the same way. I'm going to gain while I'm gone, I think that's inevitable. Then it's going to take forever to get back to being within striking distance of my goal. It's Christmas 2010 all over again.

So how did I deal with all these feelings over the weekend? Poorly.  I made many bad food choices over the last three days. Clearly, I was not in my best frame of mind, but I was rationalizing it by saying, if I'm not going to lose, than what is the point of being so strict? What's even worse, though, is that I carried the bad food choices forward into a Monday. Mondays are usually my clean slate days where I am super motivated and ready to get back on track. Today, however, I was exhausted from a busy weekend and holding onto my bad mojo.

Does anyone else see a pattern in this blog? I go from entirely motivated and full of gung-ho gumption that I make you, let's face it, just a little sick of me to "woe-is-me"wimpy woman.  I wish I could put an end to these cycles, but I don't know what causes them. This time it was the bad weigh-day, but other times it is other triggers.

The best I can do is try to start tomorrow with a positive attitude and some extra energy, so I'm going to bed early tonight.

*Is it weird that I often think of my body and myself as two separate entities?  What's more, I don't really see us as on the same team.

Motivation

I had the honor of being asked to write a guest blog for my friend, Able-Bodied Girl. She specifically requested that I write about motivation, claiming that I had had some part in her motivation.

Check it out here.

Weigh Day

I weighed today. I've gained two pounds this week, putting me three pounds from my goal. Needless to say, I'm very disappointed.  I don't know what I did wrong.

Yes, over the weekend I ate two meals out and had an afternoon snack of a milkshake and a small order of onion rings when I had to make a last minute run to the store during my gardening project. I know that is not the healthiest of choices, but it's not like I binged, eating an entire box of cookies or vat of ice cream.

Plus, ever since then I have been diligent in my calorie counts and working out, but it has been far from easy.

Everything this week diet-wise has been a fight. While for the most part, I've been hanging in there punch-for-punch, I feel like I'm very close to being knocked out. I just can't put so much effort into something and not get results.  

Maybe it's all of the pressure I've been putting on myself for the last couple of weeks.  I keep thinking "I just want to be done. I just want to make it." Last week when I weighed in at 99 pounds lost, I thought, "Finally, this is possible now. I can lose one more pound. I can be done* by this time next week."

Now I'm farther away and likely unable to make it to 100 pounds lost before I leave for England, a week from today. If I don't make it before I leave, I will gain a few more pounds while I'm there and be even further from the goal when I return.

Right now, despite the gain, I'm still pretty committed to giving it another good effort in the next week.  Surely my body is just holding on to water or fat or something. If I power through this plateau, I could have a big loss next week. Of course there's no telling what sort of effect this scale setback will have on my psyche over the weekend. I could end up throwing in the towel completely.

Right now I'm just so exhausted. I've been trying to lose these last 10 pounds since OCTOBER.  I can't eat less calories or workout more than I do now. It seems my body just doesn't want to be any smaller.

*I know that I will never be "done." I know that this is a healthy lifestyle change. I just want to make it to this goal.
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Magic Ipods

I'm a firm believer that the shuffle mode on my ipod always knows what kind of music I need to hear. Example:  On Saturday it played ALOT of Superchick music.  Superchick is an awesome Christian rock band with female lead singers who sing a lot of girl-power songs.  It was exactly what I needed to keep going during my marathon manual labor session that day.

It's not the first time this has happened. Has anyone else experienced this?

Rainstorm Running

Maybe you think running during a torrential rain/thunderstorm is a bad idea.

But you'd be wrong.

Amie and I had planned yesterday to meet at the Riverwalk at 5:45 tonight to run.  We've never run together, but it was Amie's idea, and I'm always up for another way to squeeze in an extra calorie burn. Plus, I've really got to stop avoiding my running sessions if I'm going to make it through this triathlon in May. 

At 4:45, when the sky was looking ominously cloudy and forecasters were saying the words "tornado warning," she called to see if we should reschedule.  I said that another night this week probably wouldn't work, and besides at worst we'd have an adventure.  Then I walked outside where the wind was whipping.

The whole drive over to the Riverwalk, DJs were blaming the horrible storm for the bad traffic.  The rain hadn't started yet where I was, but I realize now the calm before the storm had set in. 

The Riverwalk starts at a parking lot, continues for 2.25 miles and then you have to turn around and come 2.25 miles back to return to civilization. Starting down that trail is a commitment.  

We started running and talking, and it was great.  The air was pleasantly cool.  At about .75 miles we decided we would turn around at the 1.5 mile marker so that we'd get in a solid 5k and still be back before it was too dark.  It was about that time that Amie said, "I bet as soon as we turn around, that's when it starts raining." 

Then we made it to the 1.5 mile marker, turned around and, as predicted, the rain started.  It wasn't bad at first.  In fact, we remarked several times that we could "barely feel it" and that "running in the rain is more fun."  When we had about 3/4 of a mile still to go, that's when the sky let loose and the lightning started flashing.  We slowed to a walk when we got to a big hill and our shoes had filled with water. My clothes were soaked through and must've weighed an extra 10 pounds. I wasn't sure we'd be able to run again after that, but we did.  It was even easier to keep going. I don't think it was just the motivation of returning to the car, but the glorious feeling of being in the moment.  

The most fun workouts are always when you're doing something out of the ordinary. Running during a rain storm. Biking to the downtown library. Playing intramural softball with college students.  Climbing a mountain.  Trampolining with an 8-year-old.  While it's good to have a practical workout plan (like my daily gym workouts at lunch), it's better to have fun and burn calories at the same time.  So be on the lookout for your next workout adventure. When you find it, be sure to tell me about it.  

Everything and Nothing.

I've spent a lot of time inside my own head this weekend, as I spent most of it in the yard doing tedious manual labor by myself.  I think that means this is going to be a long post. Settle in.

Last October, I wrote this post about the great day lily move of 2010.  After that weekend, I was still angry about having to move the flowers, so I paid no attention to them.  It didn't take long for the new bed to become overrun with weeds.  I spent most of the winter wondering where I was going to get the strength/motivation to weed that bed.  It had gotten completely out of control.

This weekend seemed to be the best to tackle the horrendous job of weeding the bed, laying down landscaper's cloth to prevent future weeds, digging a trench between the bed and the rest of my weed-filled grass and re-mulching the entire bed.

On Saturday I worked on that thing from sun-up to sun-down or in other words, 11 hours.  In the days before I began, I was dreading it fiercely, and I prayed that God would change my attitude. I asked that He help me see it as a great opportunity to be in the sun and burn some calories.

I didn't go back to read that first post I wrote until just now as I started to write this one, and it's a little eerie how similar these two posts could be.  I was again angry about having to do the chore (just so you know, there are some special drama-filled circumstances surrounding the day lily move, I don't normally get angry about doing yard work.) It was again painful.  I again ended my day with a milkshake.

However, when I wasn't being a Negative Nancy, I was grateful for the time in the gorgeous weather (it's hard to stay mad when it's 65 and sunny) and had lots of fun with my dog Bonnie, who loved helping me with the weeding (as I was working I was thinking that I would blog about that and call it "Bonnie's Best Day Ever").

Just as I had a plants-to-weight loss journey extended metaphor in the first blog, here's another.  After I first planted the new bed, I neglected it and it didn't take long for the weeds to overtake it.  I think something similar could easily happen once I make it to my goal.  Making it to my goal is not the end. It's just the beginning.  I can never relax and forget about how hard it was to make this far. Otherwise the weeds will take over again.

Exciting News and a Shopping Dilemma

Exciting news this week! My size 16 dress pants have suddenly become too roomy.  Last week I wore skirts all week because the weather was so phenomenally beautiful.  This week I went back to pants when it got a little cooler, and was surprised to find them sagging!

That's a great thing!  I really have not done much clothes shopping since I've been dropping pounds, mostly because I've been so ridiculously blessed by gifts of clothes from friends (Stephanie, April, Alyssa and Kati, I can't thank you guys enough!). The few times I have gone, though, have been lots of fun as I have fit into sizes and styles that I never would've thought possible.

Over the summer, I will probably revert to wearing lots of skirts again, and I think most of the skirts I wore last year will still work this summer.  But pants really do need to fit.  So it sounds like soon I'll be shopping!  The only thing is I don't exactly know where to shop for quality dress pants any more. I shopped almost exclusively at Lane Bryant for years, because their clothes fit my body type better and I no longer fit into anything they sell! I like Old Navy now for casual stuff (although the durability of their clothes is questionable), but not for professional clothes.

Anyone have suggestions for me? Where do you shop for professional clothes?


PS Today was a weigh day. I lost 3.5 pounds, which makes me only 1 pound away from my big goal!