Try to Try Again.

When I posted my 2013 goals the other day, there was a suspicious lack of food, fitness, health or weight-related goals. Especially, as I write a blog that is (mostly) about my journey to improve all of these things.

Honestly, 99% of the reason why there weren't any such goals is because I'm afraid of failing.  Again. *

I have wanted to eat healthier and return to exercise, but my arms are full, carrying my fear. It stalks me. I can't put it down. It's my near constant companion, and it talks to me. Sometimes it whispers and sometimes it screams.  It mostly says things like this:

Why try again, just to fail?  
It's easier not to try.
You'll start again tomorrow.
You're too out of shape to start over, so you might as well skip the gym.
What does it matter?

And other things, but mostly along this same line of thinking. And so, when I think about trying to lose weight or eat vegetables or go to the gym, I mostly get sad and decide not to do anything. Which just perpetuates the sadness**

But luckily a number of things have been coming together lately, building up my resolve to try again.

1) I'm going to Disney World in two weeks with my nieces and nephew.*** I've suddenly realized that because I haven't been to the gym in weeks, I've lost any semblance of fitness I once had.  Yesterday I went for a leisurely walk with friends when I realized, if I don't start getting some regular walks in I'm not going to survive at Disney World with an 8-year-old, a 6-year-old and a 2-year-old.  That thought made me sad, until I realized I have the power to affect the change.  I have two weeks to train up and get back into power walking shape.

2) I got this picture for Christmas (the one on the left in the picture).  It's been really making me think about the power of our choices. I may not be able to run a marathon or even a 5k, right now, but I have the power to choose to go for a swim today and a walk tomorrow and start somewhere.

3) A friend from high school, Jennifer, sent me a message telling me about a blog she follows called the Happy Herbivore.  Part of what the blogger does is a meal-planning service, where she will send you a package that includes a seven-day meal plan, a grocery list and recipes for all of the meals throughout the week.  I checked into it, downloaded it for this week, made my grocery store run and I'm about to go cook up some of the meals so I'll be ready for the week.  I am not a herbivore by nature, but I don't mind giving it a try.  The blogger mentioned somewhere that "you'd be surprised by how filling vegetables can be." I'm hoping that's the case.

4) People that I did not know ever read my blog have been telling me that they've been enjoying it and that I've been inspiring them.  It surprises me every time it happens, but it makes me want to keep trying.  Like I just can't let these people down.

5) When I started journaling the other week, I ran across this old entry from 2006 (pictured at right). It's funny-strange (as opposed to funny ha-ha) that I have to keep re-learning this lesson over and over again.

6) A new reader to Lost and Not Found commented on a post from February of 2011 that I wrote about the importance of loving yourself first.  I had forgotten I had written it.  But lately, despite the fear stalking me, I have been thankful and glad that I am who I am. Maybe I'll write a post soon about all the things about me that I think are pretty great****. Stay tuned.

So,  a very long brain-dumping blog for you this evening.  One that begins a bit bleakly, but ends with hope and a promise.  A promise to try to try again.

*It's not like the weight I lost in 2009-2011 and then subsequently gained back and 2012 is the only time this has happened.  I've been fighting against my weight (sometimes succeeding and sometimes failing) for many years.
**You might think, "I just saw Jill last week, and she didn't seem sad. She seemed like her usual peppy self. What is she talking about?" And to that I'd say that I have have many wonderful things going on in my life lately, including friends, family, trip planning and one very funny music video, and I appreciate them all.  However, I just can't seem to shake this one dark cloud, which I can't seem to shake.
***My first reaction to this news was to say, "I'm going to Disney World in two weeks, where I'm sure to get off track, what's the point in starting now?" In the end I've mustered up enough nerve to try again.
****While it may not be considered very humble to list all of the great things about yourself, sometimes, the necessary boost to your self esteem warrants it.