It's time

It's time once again for me to start trying to lose weight.  I tried to just accept my body weight as part of who I am and be happy with it.  And for the most part, I've succeeded in not letting it affect my life or my moods (most of the time).  That is a victory I will claim.

But I've reached a point where I've just got to try again. I haven't weighed in awhile (I will weigh tomorrow morning to check in), but I know I've continued to gain and am now at the largest I've ever been.  It's getting to the point where I don't fit well in some seats, and it's difficult for me to bend over to put my tennis shoes on.  Embarrassing.  I can't believe I just shared that with you, the internet.

I've been putting off writing this post, because I hate the cycle I seem to have been in for the last couple of years, and writing about it on a blog just seems to amplify it.  It goes something like this:

Try > lose a bit> hit a road bump> give up > gain weight.

I'm scared. Of giving up too quickly, but also of not giving up and losing the weight.  It's a blessing and a curse that I've done this once before. A blessing because deep down inside I know I am capable of doing this, of trying and succeeding. A curse because I have done it; I've been so close to my goal and then I've let it all go.  And that haunts me.

Here's what I don't want this weight loss to look like:
I don't want to feel guilty for eating chocolate or dessert.
I don't want to be unable to eat dinner with friends, because I don't know know the caloric content.
I don't want to be crazy restrictive with types of foods or calorie counts.
I don't want to give up Moe's.

Here's what I do want it to look like:
I want to plan each day's food in advance.  When I don't eat according to plan, I want to think about why I've gotten derailed and what caused it.  I know what my triggers are and I want to avoid them.
I want to eat all things in moderation.
I want to be able to have a beer or a glass of wine now and again.
I want to continue to be active and get back into fighting shape.
I want to rely more on God for strength and wisdom (I'm so so so bad at this)

I've mentioned before that I love my church, Good Shepherd Church. Today's Easter message was a great reminder of what God accomplished with Christ's ressurection, and what that means for those of us who are struggling with a big obstacle.  I wish I could link the video here for you to hear it from Talbot himself, but it's not up yet.  Maybe I'll come back later in the week to do that for you.  Anyway, as I was praying during the last song of the service, God said to me, "If I was able to do something as incomprehensible as bring Jesus back from the dead, don't you think I can take care of this for you?"
UPDATE: HERE'S THE LINK.

I didn't give him an immediate yes.  Instead, I kind of argued with him about it.  It was a one-sided argument.

Here's what it comes down to: I don't know how Christ lives, but I know that he does.  I don't know how God is going to save me from this cycle, and I wish I could say that I know that he will. That would, after all, be the poetic way to end this blog.  It's hard, but I'm trying to trust him better this time around.

If you're the praying kind, I'd appreciate any prayers you could say for me as I try to end this struggle.