The Difference of a Few Pounds

I've been wondering a lot about the difference between the weight I've lost thus far and my 100-pound goal. I argue with myself a lot about it, actually.  I have two schools of thought on the subject.

First, I've been very focused on the number 100 for a long time. So focused that most of the time I do not feel successful because I have not made it to 100 pounds lost yet. Five years ago, I half-jokingly wrote "Lose 100 pounds" on my life bucket list. Nineteen months ago, I made it my ultimate goal when I started this weight loss journey.  Neither time did I really believe I would actually ever lose 100 pounds.

However, I've lost 97 pounds to date.  That is a lot of weight.  That is more weight than I can lift in dumbbell or barbell form.  It's more weight than most weight loss success stories I read about in magazines.  It could almost be considered enough weight to form a whole 'nother person from. I'm very happy with how far I've come and how I look.

Somehow, miraculously, I am very close to losing 100 pounds.  Yet, even though I am within striking distance of that goal, I've somehow twisted my thinking so that I don't feel like I've accomplished anything without it.  I don't know how I've come to that, but it's the truth.  I think that's the source of all of the pressure I'm putting on myself lately.

So, I need to step back, look at the big picture and be thankful. Thankful for the clothes I fit into now. Thankful for the way my body moves and the way my lungs hold and release air.  Thankful for the hourglass silhouette that I didn't know I had.  Thankful for each and every one of the 97 pounds.

100 pounds will come someday, and it will come at the right time.  Moving from 80 pounds lost to 100 pounds has been a struggle that will take the better part of a year before its over. It's been frustrating. It's been hard.  Really, though, the longer it takes me to make it to 100 pounds lost, the better off I'll be.  The more practice I will have at eating well and the more lessons I will have learned about healthy living.  Not that either of those things will end once I make it to my goal, most definitely not.  it's just the longer it takes, the easier it will be to never find those lost pounds again. There's something about a journey, and not the destination, that teaches so much.

Bye, Bye BoJangles

I came to two realizations today.

1) I no longer crave (or really even like) BoJangles for breakfast.  I'm really over fried foods in general.

2) Extremes (either good or bad) are not the solution.

Let's back up.  Even after writing last night's post, when I had resolved to start trying again, I stopped for BoJangles on the way to work this morning. I can't really even explain why, except that the thought popped into my head, and I wasn't able to put up a good defense against it.  I suppose my willpower muscles were weak from all of the bad food choices I had made over the weekend.  However, it turned out to be a good thing, because I don't feel like I ever need to do that again.  My Kashi cereal with blueberries/strawberries and almond milk is way better.

That's a big deal for me. Before I started this weight loss journey a year and a half ago, I would go through periods where I would eat breakfast out multiple times a week.  Even since I've been trying to lose weight, eating breakfast out regularly pops up as a temptation I have to battle.  

Aside from the BoJangles start, I had a pretty good day health and fitness-wise.  In fact, it was very low key and easy to make the right decisions.  I went slightly over my calories for the day, but it was worth it to feel somewhat normal. Not deprived, not on a diet, but just a normal person going throughout my day.  Also, I walked outside with coworkers at lunch and went to half a Turbokick class (half because my energy still isn't quite back to normal, but half is better than nothing).

I think part of the reason I have these cycles that I mentioned in yesterday's post (where I'm super motivated some days and all "woe-is-me, I'll never make it" other days) is because I push myself really hard when I am super motivated.  I'm always one extreme or the other. I'm either eating 1300-1500 calories and working out twice a day or I'm filling up on junk food.  I'm starting to realize (and really, my friend Monica has been trying to tell me this for years) that with this extreme motivation I burn myself out. 

I'm still not sure how to deal with this second realization.  I've got too much of an all-or-nothing, success or failure mentality.  I suppose, though, that the realization is a starting point.  I can always figure out what it means later.

 

Unfair?

I've spent much of the last three days feeling sorry for myself over last week's weigh in.  Here's how the thoughts typically run:

It's just not fair. >>>>>>> I worked out extra. I ate within my calorie range. I can't work out more. I can't eat less. What am I supposed to do? >>>>>>>What is the point of trying so hard if it's not going to get me anywhere? >>>>>>> Why should I have to live without the food I love, if I'm still not going to make it to 100 pounds? >>>>>>> Why did I give up Diet Pepsi? >>>>>>> I'm just so tired of it all. >>>>>>>  Why does my body hate me? It's just not fair.

Maybe what is not fair is saying that my body hates me.*  If it does hate me, though, I don't blame it.  I did treat it like crap for the better part of 29 years before I started this healthy living kick.  So maybe I shouldn't be upset when it takes an extra week to make it to the most monumental weight loss of my lifetime.  But it still hurts.

Now I'm leaving for vacation this Friday, where I will not be able to count calories or work out the same way. I'm going to gain while I'm gone, I think that's inevitable. Then it's going to take forever to get back to being within striking distance of my goal. It's Christmas 2010 all over again.

So how did I deal with all these feelings over the weekend? Poorly.  I made many bad food choices over the last three days. Clearly, I was not in my best frame of mind, but I was rationalizing it by saying, if I'm not going to lose, than what is the point of being so strict? What's even worse, though, is that I carried the bad food choices forward into a Monday. Mondays are usually my clean slate days where I am super motivated and ready to get back on track. Today, however, I was exhausted from a busy weekend and holding onto my bad mojo.

Does anyone else see a pattern in this blog? I go from entirely motivated and full of gung-ho gumption that I make you, let's face it, just a little sick of me to "woe-is-me"wimpy woman.  I wish I could put an end to these cycles, but I don't know what causes them. This time it was the bad weigh-day, but other times it is other triggers.

The best I can do is try to start tomorrow with a positive attitude and some extra energy, so I'm going to bed early tonight.

*Is it weird that I often think of my body and myself as two separate entities?  What's more, I don't really see us as on the same team.

Motivation

I had the honor of being asked to write a guest blog for my friend, Able-Bodied Girl. She specifically requested that I write about motivation, claiming that I had had some part in her motivation.

Check it out here.

Weigh Day

I weighed today. I've gained two pounds this week, putting me three pounds from my goal. Needless to say, I'm very disappointed.  I don't know what I did wrong.

Yes, over the weekend I ate two meals out and had an afternoon snack of a milkshake and a small order of onion rings when I had to make a last minute run to the store during my gardening project. I know that is not the healthiest of choices, but it's not like I binged, eating an entire box of cookies or vat of ice cream.

Plus, ever since then I have been diligent in my calorie counts and working out, but it has been far from easy.

Everything this week diet-wise has been a fight. While for the most part, I've been hanging in there punch-for-punch, I feel like I'm very close to being knocked out. I just can't put so much effort into something and not get results.  

Maybe it's all of the pressure I've been putting on myself for the last couple of weeks.  I keep thinking "I just want to be done. I just want to make it." Last week when I weighed in at 99 pounds lost, I thought, "Finally, this is possible now. I can lose one more pound. I can be done* by this time next week."

Now I'm farther away and likely unable to make it to 100 pounds lost before I leave for England, a week from today. If I don't make it before I leave, I will gain a few more pounds while I'm there and be even further from the goal when I return.

Right now, despite the gain, I'm still pretty committed to giving it another good effort in the next week.  Surely my body is just holding on to water or fat or something. If I power through this plateau, I could have a big loss next week. Of course there's no telling what sort of effect this scale setback will have on my psyche over the weekend. I could end up throwing in the towel completely.

Right now I'm just so exhausted. I've been trying to lose these last 10 pounds since OCTOBER.  I can't eat less calories or workout more than I do now. It seems my body just doesn't want to be any smaller.

*I know that I will never be "done." I know that this is a healthy lifestyle change. I just want to make it to this goal.
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Magic Ipods

I'm a firm believer that the shuffle mode on my ipod always knows what kind of music I need to hear. Example:  On Saturday it played ALOT of Superchick music.  Superchick is an awesome Christian rock band with female lead singers who sing a lot of girl-power songs.  It was exactly what I needed to keep going during my marathon manual labor session that day.

It's not the first time this has happened. Has anyone else experienced this?

Rainstorm Running

Maybe you think running during a torrential rain/thunderstorm is a bad idea.

But you'd be wrong.

Amie and I had planned yesterday to meet at the Riverwalk at 5:45 tonight to run.  We've never run together, but it was Amie's idea, and I'm always up for another way to squeeze in an extra calorie burn. Plus, I've really got to stop avoiding my running sessions if I'm going to make it through this triathlon in May. 

At 4:45, when the sky was looking ominously cloudy and forecasters were saying the words "tornado warning," she called to see if we should reschedule.  I said that another night this week probably wouldn't work, and besides at worst we'd have an adventure.  Then I walked outside where the wind was whipping.

The whole drive over to the Riverwalk, DJs were blaming the horrible storm for the bad traffic.  The rain hadn't started yet where I was, but I realize now the calm before the storm had set in. 

The Riverwalk starts at a parking lot, continues for 2.25 miles and then you have to turn around and come 2.25 miles back to return to civilization. Starting down that trail is a commitment.  

We started running and talking, and it was great.  The air was pleasantly cool.  At about .75 miles we decided we would turn around at the 1.5 mile marker so that we'd get in a solid 5k and still be back before it was too dark.  It was about that time that Amie said, "I bet as soon as we turn around, that's when it starts raining." 

Then we made it to the 1.5 mile marker, turned around and, as predicted, the rain started.  It wasn't bad at first.  In fact, we remarked several times that we could "barely feel it" and that "running in the rain is more fun."  When we had about 3/4 of a mile still to go, that's when the sky let loose and the lightning started flashing.  We slowed to a walk when we got to a big hill and our shoes had filled with water. My clothes were soaked through and must've weighed an extra 10 pounds. I wasn't sure we'd be able to run again after that, but we did.  It was even easier to keep going. I don't think it was just the motivation of returning to the car, but the glorious feeling of being in the moment.  

The most fun workouts are always when you're doing something out of the ordinary. Running during a rain storm. Biking to the downtown library. Playing intramural softball with college students.  Climbing a mountain.  Trampolining with an 8-year-old.  While it's good to have a practical workout plan (like my daily gym workouts at lunch), it's better to have fun and burn calories at the same time.  So be on the lookout for your next workout adventure. When you find it, be sure to tell me about it.