Sisyphus

It's always hardest to post on a week like this week. It's hard to admit that I am not doing well, and it's hard to admit that makes me sad.  I don't know what's wrong, but I'm blaming winter.  It's been dreary and raining all week. It's made me tired and unmotivated. I think I have an undiagnosed case of S.A.D. (Seasonal affective disorder, aka the winter blues). 


I've finished my 10k training program and don't have another race in sight (translation: no motivation).  I've been busy after work each day, which means no time for fun Turbo Kicks and only the boring treadmill or elliptical facing me during my lunch hour workouts (although today I enjoyed a nice walk on the track with a friend).


I hate the fact that my posts are so cyclical. I'm either super-enthusiastic and Ms. Motivation or I'm all "woe-is-me" and "I'll never succeed." I feel like Sisyphus, the king from Greek mythology who was punished by the gods to roll a heavy boulder up a hill, only to watch it roll back down again, over and over through all eternity. (No, I didn't remember his name either. I had to google "name of guy in greek mythology who rolls a stone up a hill in the underworld" to learn it.) 


The weight loss thing has been such a struggle. It has never been easy, even though I have been successful. I think the reason that I've been having trouble being consistently on track lately is because it is such a fight. I've been fighting it for over a year, and I am tired.  But I have to keep pushing this rock up the hill because if I don't, it might roll back down and crush me.


People often comment that they like the honesty of this blog. I feel like that's pretty honest for ya.


The worst part is that logically, I know I'm being ridiculous. I know I am wallowing. I know I should set some small goals that I know I can accomplish and feel good about. I know how to succeed! So why don't I just suck it up and do what needs to be done and lose 100 pounds?  I don't know. I guess because there is a large part of me that is not logical; a part of me that is made up of stupid feelings.


Good news: I spent some time researching triathlons and triathlon training programs, and I think I've identified my next race goal: The Turtle Crawl Sprint Triathlon in Jekyll Island, Georgia in May.  Maybe this will help lend me some structure.

Perserverance

I think I've been getting easily discouraged lately because of the way my weight loss has slowed down so much.  I mean from August 2009 until May 2010, I was steadily losing 2 pounds per week most weeks.  By May 1, 2010, I had lost 79 pounds. All summer I fluctuated, losing some weeks and gaining those pounds right back the next week. I didn't make it to 90 pounds until October 7.  Since October I've again been fluctuating. I weighed this past Thursday, and I am at 92 pounds lost.  It's frustrating that I just keep dancing around the same old pounds.


Last week I posted a blog about taking a break from the scale. I loved taking a week off from weighing. I think it was great for my mental health. It was nice to just be happy with the size I am instead of constantly looking at the goal and the next few pounds that I need to lose.  However, the scale is a big part of the accountability that is necessary while trying to lose weight. Avoiding it makes it easier to avoid my daily food goals.  I think I've decided that I need to be weighing weekly while I'm still trying to lose. Once I make it to my goal, I may be able to visit the scale less frequently (maybe that's some added motivation for me?). 


Anyway, it's very easy to get frustrated about not losing weight, but I can't really blame my body.  I still love chocolate and eating out and so usually when I gain weight back it's because I've been overindulging. Today I'm facing the start of another new week and another new start to my diet.  However, this time I have this quote, sent to me by my friend Cindy:


Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races, one after another. -Walter Elliot


I may be having trouble staying "on the wagon" lately. I may be having to reboot my diet again and again, but I think that may be a key to dieting.  Not just falling off the wagon and staying there on the side of the road while the wagon train leaves you in its dust, but picking yourself up and running to catch up with wagon before it leaves you behind (extended metaphor ends here.) Each time I have to reboot, it is just one of the short races Elliot refers to in the quote above.  Add them up together and the perseverance that comes from that will eventually help me get to my goal. (I hope.)

Today's Tastiness Part Two

Today is Sunday! That means I made my two meals for the week.  One is an old favorite and one is brand new recipe.

I've been craving some soup because of the cold.  I'm not much of a soup person, though, so I wasn't sure what to make.  But then I found this recipe  in my stack of recipes. It was sent to me by my friend Monica last February, but I've never made it.  I'm not sure why except that I think I really have to be in the mood to make soup and I just haven't been.
It doesn't have a name (she sent it to me by email), so I'm just going to call it Sausage Soup.

1 garlic clove, minced
1 red onion, chopped
1 celery stalk, chopped
1 green pepper, chopped
15 oz kidney beans, drained and rinsed
1 can diced tomatoes with juice
Turkey sausage, cut into bite-size pieces
1/4 tsp thyme
1/4 black pepper
6 cups of chicken broth
1 cup of rice
Put it all in a crock pot on low for four hours.

My modifications: I'm not sure I got the right kind of sausage, I didn't have six cups of chicken broth (used three instead) and I only put in half cup of rice.  Plus, I swapped the kidney beans for black beans, because kidney beans just turn me off.  

I haven't tasted it yet (it's still cooking), but last year when she sent it to me, Monica said her family enjoyed it often.

My second meal this week, I've made a bunch of times. It's filling and tasty and reheats well. It's called Chicken with Rice and Peas. I'm just going to type it in with my modifications.

1 bag of frozen pea

1 cup of microwaveable brown rice

Cooking spray

1 pound chicken breasts, cut into bite size pieces

1/4 cup of soy sauce

Cook rice in microwave. Brown chicken in skillet with cooking spray. Once browned, add rice, frozen peas, soy sauce to skillet and heat through. 

So that's what I'm eating this week. What's cooking at your house?

Exhausted (in the Best of Ways)

Right now, I am exhausted. Bone tired. Weary. Worn out. You get the picture.  It means, though, that I've been living life this week, and I love that.

My sister had her third baby on Tuesday. I believe I've mentioned that earlier, but what I did not mention was that Natalie immediately had to go  into the NICU because of an intestinal problem and had to have surgery on Friday.  Also, on Thursday blood tests came back that confirmed Natalie has Down Syndrome.  I've been spending some time each day at the hospital with my sister and Natalie. It's been an emotional and exhausting and emotionally exhausting time.  It's hard to see such a small baby hooked up to so many monitors and ivs, but we are thankful she is a healthy weight and had no other major health problems beside the stomach issue. Once that gets resolved in the next couple of weeks she won't have any further problems with it.

Friday I drove to Greenville and back for work. After work I met Amie and Cindy for our drive to Asheville for the Hot Chocolate 10k.   I've never really spent much time in Asheville, but it is a really cool city. We stayed at an awesome hotel within walking distance to downtown and the race start.  We ate two of the best meals at two different restaurants (Tupelo Honey and Innucci's). 

The race was both wonderful and horrible, but I think most races usually are (thus my love/hate relationship with running).  We ran along the French Broad River most of the time, and it was beautiful. It was also freezing cold. Literally.  The water they were handing out at water stations was turning to ice in their hands before they could give it to us. We had a plan to walk one minute every mile, and it was a good one. It made us focus on only one mile at a time.  I was really feeling good for most of the race, but hit a wall somewhere in the fifth mile.  That's when I turned to Cindy and said, "I don't want to do this anymore."  We walked a bit extra there. Plus, when we got to the last uphill we definitely had to walk that.  It was brutal. But as you looked up the hill, you could see that most people were walking it. When we rounded the final bend, we ran again, because I didn't want Amie to see us walking.  

My time was not as good as it was for my first 10k, so that is a little disappointing.  I can't figure it out. It looks like it will be almost five minutes longer whenever they post the official results, but I just don't think  I walked as much as I did during the Fall Harvest 10k.  However, Cindy made a good point. It shouldn't be about the number, but about how it makes you feel. After the race, we drove Amie down the course so she could see how pretty it was, and it really blew my mind how far we ran.

Also disappointing was the actual hot chocolate served at the Hot Chocolate 10k.  It was un-drinkable. In the end it was okay, because we got real hot chocolate at a shop downtown later to make up for it.

So clearly the week had some ups and downs, but it was a life fully lived. Here are some pictures from my week. Race photography by Amie.

*No post race oranges were available, so I had to take my traditional picture with a banana!

My Perfect Day

My friend Abi, who just had her second baby in August, was feeling overwhelmed last month with all she needs and wants to accomplish on a daily basis.  She came up with a plan to write out her perfect day, including everything she hoped to accomplish, and then try to live it daily. 

She suggested I do the same, and I think it makes a lot of sense for me.  I love lists and checking things off. Plus, this kind of planning helps you visualize what you need to do, which makes you more likely to actually do it.  I made mine just as it applies to diet and exercise. Here's what I got:

Make cereal with almond milk and fruit topping for breakfast.  Savor each bite of the sweetness. Drink a glass of water with breakfast.

Go to work. Start in on my first liter of water within the first half hour. Be refreshed by the cleanliness of it. Finish the first liter by 10 a.m.

Eat snack of fruit (banana or clementine) at 11 a.m. Remember that God made this fruit specifically to nourish our bodies and give us energy. If hungry earlier, eat two morning snacks, one at 10 and one at 11:30 a.m. Be glad that I brought an extra snack to work for this reason, and not upset that I am extra hungry for no reason.

Finish second liter of water by 12:30.

Go workout at 12:30 p.m.  Either run, swim, elliptical or walk with a friend for 45 minutes. Be thankful for the time away from my desk to clear my head and re-energize.  Remember and appreciate the physical changes of the last year that allow me to move this way.

Return from gym and eat lunch brought from home that includes one veggie at about 1:30 or 2 with half a liter of water. Be glad that I took the time to prepare for the week properly on Sunday by cooking and packaging my meals.  Feel relief from the water after my work out.

Eat snack of almonds or protein bar at 3:30 or 4. Finish third liter of water. Recognize the full feeling that comes from protein.

After work two nights a week, go to weight room for 30 minutes. After work once a week, Turbo Kick! Take note of my new-ish muscles and have fun kicking and punching to awesome music.

Get home from work and eat prepared meal with at least one veggie, a glass of water or Cystal Lite and a second fruit or veggie if needed about 6:30. Unless it's a TurboKick night and then eat when I get home at 7 p.m. Be thankful for veggies and their naturally low calories, yet surprisingly filling, and enjoy the tasty meal.

No snacks after dinner. Because I have goals!

Planks before shower if I have not done them in the weight room that day.  Note how I have improved in form and time with these planks since the beginning of the year.

Reflect on the day and bible reading before bed. Remember that weight loss is not all about what I eat, but a lot about mental preparation.

I maybe need to print this out and put it somewhere I will see it a lot so I remember all of this. But right now, I want to know - What's your perfect day look like?

In Honor of My New Niece Natalie Grace

For you created my inmost being;
   you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
   your works are wonderful,
   I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you
   when I was made in the secret place,
   when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed body;
   all the days ordained for me were written in your book
   before one of them came to be.

How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God!
   How vast is the sum of them!

Were I to count them,
   they would outnumber the grains of sand—
   when I awake, I am still with you.


I am reminded today that our creator does wonderous things when he creates our bodies. It makes me grateful for both my body and the tiny body of Natalie Grace, born yesterday. I pray that my life will be a healthy example for her and can't wait to see the girl she will become.

Hungry, Hungry Jill-o

Today I am hungry. I've eaten the same foods I usually eat, I'm not starving myself, but I don't seem to ever be full.  It happens from time to time, but it's exasperating.   It makes it just that much harder to stay on track if you're hungry all day. It's why a lot of people give up on diets after just a few days, cause they cut down on calories so much that they are starving.

In one of the books of the Hunger Games, the main character refers to it as a "hollow day," because no matter what she eats she knows she will still be hungry. I totally know what she means.

So how should I deal with it? Eat extra snacks? I would've if I'd brought them to work with me. As it was, I had an extra clementine, which was not much.  Drink extra water? Working on it.  Distract myself with other tasks? I've got work up to my eyeballs and a sister who was possibly having a baby today, four weeks early. (She did have it by the way, Natalie Grace.) That gives me plenty to think about, but it has not erased the gnawing in my stomach.

Do you experience the hollowness from time-to-time too? How do you handle it?
I'm about to go eat a slightly larger-than-average dinner and see if that takes care of it.